


Start Confessing

by Queenie_004



Category: To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: Drinking Games, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, Love Letters, Making Up, Party Drama, Romantic Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 13:22:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16368404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenie_004/pseuds/Queenie_004
Summary: At a contractually obligated party a drunk and lovesick Peter gets jealous and creates a scene that necessitates both an apology and an overdue confession.Like all writers I crave feedback! Please share in the comments if you have any and thank you for reading!I posted a “cover” on Tumblr if you’d like to take a lookI'm finally on Tumblr!





	1. Drinking and Fighting

Peter is getting drunk. He’s getting drunk because he’s losing at Beer Pong. He’s losing at Beer Pong because behind his opponent he can see some asshole varsity soccer player hitting on his girlfriend. Well, not his actual girlfriend but whatfuckingever everyone knows he’s with Lara Jean so where does this dude get off going after his girl. He misses another shot because he’s watching them and the chants of “Drink! Drink! Drink!” fill the room and when he goes to drink he sees the guy actually touching her and that’s when he loses it.

It happens so quickly. Suddenly he’s right there grabbing him in front of everybody and hollering, “get your fucking hands off my girlfriend” Lara Jean looks horrified and yells at him to stop but he’s already started swinging and then his friends pile in, Varsity’s friends pile in. Shouting, shoving, the music gets turned down and they get pulled apart.

“What the fuck Kavinsky??” the guy hollers, “We were just talking!”

Peter should keep his mouth shut but the beer and adrenaline are pumping quickly through him, “You don’t get to talk to her, to touch her, don’t even think about her.”

The guy just scoffs at him and turns to Lara Jean, “that’s a real classy boyfriend you got there Lara Jean. Good luck with that” then he and his crew turn to leave.

Peter’s friends release their grip and are muttering at him but all he can see is Lara Jean. The way she is looking at him with an expression he has never seen before practically sobers him up on the spot.

“I can’t believe you” she hisses and he reaches for her.

“Covey” but she pulls away from his attempted touch so violently he feels like the floor has given out underneath him.

“Leave me alone Peter.”

***

He’s not sure where she went because as she stormed past him he swayed and his buddies caught him and stuck him in a bedroom where he’s begging Greg to go get her. “Chill the fuck out Kavinsky, Jesus” Greg says, “I’ll look for her but I’m pretty sure she won’t want to see you.”

“I know” Peter says sitting on the bed with his head in his hands, “I fucked up”

“Yeah, ya think? That was some real Neanderthal shit you pulled. I’ve never seen you like that. Not cool PK, not cool.” After he goes Peter is left with a beer buzz and deep shame. He was a full-on, grade A asshole and he knows she is pissed at him. He hopes she isn’t afraid of him because that was violent, he was really violent and out of control and he hates that she saw that. He hates that he did it. He hates this stupid fake relationship bullshit that is driving him insane because he’s so over it, so over Gen and the contract and the pretending. He’s fallen in love with Lara Jean Covey for real and instead of being honest and taking the chance of confessing that to her, he’s let it churn inside him until it comes out in really stupid ways, like drunkenly starting fights at parties out of jealousy. He is such a dumb ass.

The door cracks open and he snaps his head up but it’s Lucas. “Hey” Peter says but Lucas just says, “Lara Jean is here and she’s willing to see you.”

Peter nods gratefully, “OK, OK.”

“But,” Lucas continues, “I’m keeping this door open and I’m staying right outside it because I don’t trust you right now.”

Peter sighs because he gets it, he would never do anything to hurt her but who believes him right now after what he just pulled. “It’s cool, I’m good Lucas.” Lucas gives him a “don’t fuck this up” look and pushes the door wider and she steps out behind him and gives Lucas a nod before he pulls the door almost but not quite shut.

“Lara Jean” his voice cracks and she puts her hand up.

“Don’t say anything. Do you know how angry I am at you right now?” He nods sadly, “Do you realize how embarrassing that was? Nothing was going on. Zach and I were talking, that’s it. Just talking like normal people until a drunk belligerent bully came over and punched him and started laying claim to me like I was just some sort of prize winning animal.”

He shakes his head, “I’m so..”

“No Peter, you don’t get to say anything yet.” He shuts his mouth. “I don’t know who you were out there but I don’t like _that_ Peter Kavinsky like, _at all_.” He nods in agreement. “I’m going home.”

She turns towards the door and he tries one last time, “can I say something first?” She spins around and he says quietly, “I’m really sorry.”

She stares at him, “is that it?” He looks up at her and he wants to say it, so badly. There’s a thrumming in his head, _tell her, tell her, tell her_ and he can’t understand how she doesn’t know yet, he’s been so obvious and she still dances along like this is all for the benefit of two people who aren’t even at this damn party.

He inhales, “why did we come tonight? Gen and Sanderson aren’t even here.”

She looks at him like he’s crazy, “what does that have to do with you being a complete ass?”

He tries again, “Covey, the people we’re trying to convince aren’t even here, so why did we come to this party together?”

She furrows her brow, “it’s in the contract, go to parties together.”

She’s so sensitive and so smart but so _dense_ sometimes it boggles his mind. “Forget about the contract” he groans, “I wish it didn’t exist.”

She steps closer to him now and if possible, she seems even more pissed than before, “we can tear it up and end this whole thing tonight” she says her voice thick with anger and laced with hurt.

He jumps up and starts shaking his head hard, “no, no that’s not what…ah, fuck!” he drops back down on the bed again, the beer still doing its damage to his head.

“Are you OK?” her voice is a little softer than before but she doesn’t come any closer to check on him.

“Yeah, I’m just drunk. Still. Because I’m an idiot.”

“You are an idiot” she says, sounding slightly less edgy than before. “What’s the matter Peter?”

 _Tell her tell her tell her_ but he just shrugs, “it’s not supposed to be like this.”

She’s quiet for a few moments and he rubs his face because he needs to sober up, he can’t have this conversation now, not like this.

“Peter…”

He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to find the words he needs to say to diffuse tonight and buy him time to give her the truth tomorrow. “Do you like me?”

What the fuck was _that_? Those were not the words he thought about saying, but now the booze and the very real fear that she may dump him are making him needy. He dares to look at her and he can’t read her face, her beautiful, expressive face that he’s been dreaming of kissing for months now.

“Do I like you?” she says, “of course I like you Peter.” She sounds so matter of fact, like she was saying, “of course I like bananas” but he needs more assurance, he’s craving it.

“No, I mean…” he can feel it on the tip of his tongue what he wants to confess, what he needs her to hear.

But she moves away to the door and he’s about to call out to her, beg her not to leave. He’ll get on his knees if he has to but she just sticks her head out the door and says something to Lucas. They stay together in uncomfortable silence until Lucas returns a few minutes later and hands her stuff and then leaves, this time closing the door all the way when Lara Jean tells him it’s OK.

Then she’s standing in front of him, “hey” and he looks up. She’s holding a bottle of water, “drink this” so he takes it and starts swigging. In her other hand she has a washcloth and when he stops drinking she takes it and starts dabbing under his lip, he hadn’t realized he’d been cut when Zach had hit back. There’s a chill and he realizes there’s ice under the material.

“TSSSSSSS” he hisses at the shock and she just murmurs, “don’t be so dramatic.”

He chuckles because she does not indulge him at all and he finds it really alluring. “You know, you have such a nice face Peter Kavinsky” she brushes a lock of hair off his forehead,

“Yeah? You think so?” he asks now basking in her gentle attention.

“Mmm hmm. It’s way too nice a face to risk in a fight. Over nothing.”

 _You are not nothing_ he thinks to himself, _you are absolutely everything to me_. She hands him the ice in the cloth and sits down next to him. He puts it back up to his mouth and tries really hard not to lean against her. But it’s impossible and he fails within seconds.

She lets him rest there but she doesn’t reciprocate or soften under his touch. “You’re not making any sense tonight” she says quietly.

“I know. I’m sorry.” He looks over at her but she doesn’t meet his gaze and it makes the desperation rise up again, “Can I see you tomorrow? I promise I’ll explain everything.” She finally meets his eyes and the voice starts again _tell her tell her tell her_. But instead he sighs, “I swear Dumb Drunk Fighting Peter is locked away. Banished. He’s played his last Beer Pong. Retired his Red Solo Cup. Hung up his fists of fury” She smiles then and his heart leaps with hope.

“Fine” she rolls her eyes just a bit but it’s better than the anger of before so he’ll take it. “I’m going home Peter. Don’t drive tonight.” She walks to the door, “see you tomorrow” then slips away.


	2. Kisses and Confessions

 

He is nervous as he parks in front of her house. He left a pile of discarded clothes on his floor because he didn’t know what to wear; he got flowers, he smells nice, he’s on time. When she opens the door she gives him a slight smile then seems to remember she’s still upset with him and offers a casual greeting. It dissipates some of his anxiety and he hands her the bouquet he got – and not just pre-packaged either. He went to the florist and picked out everything just for her. The florist laughed as he fretted over his selections and said, “so what exactly did you do?” She looks surprised and he scolds himself for not having brought her flowers at all before this.

“Before you say anything, I already apologized to Zach.” Her eyebrows raise over the flowers, “Went to his house, brought him donut holes, said I was sorry for being a jealous a-hole and we’re good. It’s all good.” She definitely smiles at him then and he’s glad he made that call and he doesn’t mention that the swing he got in seemed to be worse than the one Zach got on him. They linger there a few moments and he asks, “can I come in?”

Inside the house there’s music playing low and it smells like sugar. “What are you baking?”

“Brookies – cookie dough baked into brownie batter.”

His eyes must bug out like a cartoon character at that, “that sounds _amazing_. Are they done?” he exaggerates peering around her towards the kitchen but she just gives him a look that he knows she’s going for “annoyed” but to him comes off as “adorable.”

“They’re done. But whether you get them or not is going to depend on how good this apology is.”

He nods, “right. That’s what I’m here for. Apologizing.” He steps a little closer to her, “just for information’s sake are you grading on a curve?” He grins because he knows she can’t resist when he teases her and makes that grin. He’s seen how her expression changes when he does it, her body language opens to him, her cheeks flush, sometimes she even loses her train of thought and it’s so cute it drives him wild. He tries not to abuse its power but knows he needs all the help he can get today and will pull out every weapon of charm he has in his arsenal.

“That’s not going to work today Peter” she says as if she’s reading his damn mind and heads to the kitchen with the flowers. He watches as she trims the stems and sets about arranging them in a vase. “What you did last night was really scary.” It hurts to hear it but he needs to. “I didn’t think you were capable of getting that out of control. I didn’t recognize you.”

He didn’t know he was capable of it either. When guys hit on Gen he’d just throw his arm around her shoulders and cut the guy down with a remark. But what happened with Lara Jean felt primal, raw. The beer didn’t help but in all honesty, it was only stoking something that was already there—that she was so important to him that the thought of losing her, even in this charade they were playing, fucking terrified him.

“I don’t know if you remember this, but the semester after my dad left I lost my temper after a bad game and punched a locker over it and broke my hand.”

Her eyes widen, “I heard you fell off a skateboard.”

He sighs, “yeah, well it wasn’t an accident it was stupid. Really stupid. My mom was upset but mostly she was pissed. Made me talk to a counselor about my ‘anger issues’ and it was actually good, you know? I wasn’t talking about my feelings about my dad so it was coming out in destructive ways.” She’s quiet and he goes on, “And the counseling helped and I haven’t felt that way in a long time. Until last night actually.”

“Why last night? The beer?”

He chuckles softly, “sometimes I don’t know if you’re deliberately being clueless or you really don’t get it.” Her bottom lip juts out in a pout and if she means it to show she’s offended all it makes him think is how he wants to give it a tender bite before drawing her mouth against his. “I’m really sorry Lara Jean, truly sorry for acting like an ass and making you feel like you were a possession. And for scaring you. It tears me up that I made you feel unsafe with me for even a second.”

Her face softens and she whispers, “thank you.” And he realizes he has to keep going, the time is now.

“Covey do you read the notes I give you?”

She looks at him with surprise and he knows the answer to this even though he wishes it were different, “I read…some.”

He nods sadly. “Why not?”

She shrugs her shoulders and says, “I just thought they were for show, for Gen.”

“They’re not. They’re not for Gen. They’re for you, only you.” She looks a little surprised and a little sorry. “Do you have them? Did you keep them at least?” She nods, “can you get them?” She moves past him to the entry way and then she starts up the stairs. He watches her go and feels sharp relief when she pauses on the landing and motions him to follow her.

He has not been in her room before and it is something else – bright and stylish and funky – and a _mess_. Wow. And his mom thinks he’s the heathen. She heads to her desk and her bookbag sitting on the chair. She unzips a pocket and he watches her reach in and bring out a handful of his notes. There’s a lot of them. He said he’d write one every day and he had kept his promise, and lately as he felt his feelings for her deepen he sometimes wrote more than one a day.

“All of them?” she asks and he shakes his head and she pours some into his cupped hands.

“Can I?” he tilts his head towards her bed and she nods so he sits down. “Did you ever notice there’s hearts by your name?” She nods again, “Did you ever notice there’s sometimes more than one?”

“Umm yeah, I guess lately there were more.”

“Did you wonder why?”

She comes and sits down next to him and sighs, “I don’t know Peter, I thought you were really committed to your part of the contract.” He wants to roll his eyes but he shakes it off and opening a note he starts to read:

_I really like how you look for me in the cafeteria at lunch_

_You are the best baker in the world. I don’t even know who the supposed best baker in the world is, but I do know that next to you they suck_

_I wish we could be alone more_

He feels her shift next to him but he doesn’t dare to look over, afraid her face will show him annoyance or disbelief, or even worse, nothing at all—as if his words aren’t even having an impact. So he keeps going:

_Can I hear your Lit presentation? Four people came up to me today telling me you nailed it #ProudAF_

_That skirt you’re wearing today is making me crazy—you look so hot and the hottest thing is you don’t even know HOW HOT you ~~look~~ are (You’re really, scorchingly hot)_

_It’s getting really, really, REALLY fucking hard not to kiss you_

_Covey, are you reading these?_

He hears her chuckle a bit at that so he takes a chance and bumps his shoulder against hers and she reciprocates. It’s such a little thing but he’ll take anything that validates even one shred of how he feels about her.

_Will you go to the winter formal with me?_

_Do you know that when I’m having a bad day (like Tuesday when I had my History test and a shitty practice and forgot my lunch) that you instantly make it better just with your smile or you touch my arm or the way you go, “Oh, Peter” in that soft way like you’re sad for me but also you want to take care of me. You should know that you make everything instantly good again_

_Argue all you want Covey, but you’re my good luck charm. Even coach said I play better when you’re at the game_

_You’re my favorite part of the day_

He feels her hand on his arm then and she gives him a gentle tug. When he looks at her she looks so beautiful he feels like he loses his breath. “I’m sorry I didn’t read them” she whispers, “I can’t believe you wrote all that. Did you mean it?”

He loves her so much but she drives him so crazy sometimes with her blindness to what is right in front of her. Clearing his throat he starts, “when we wrote the contract you said you didn’t want all your firsts to be fake. I don’t want them to be fake either. I want them to be real. I want them to be with me.” He watches as her eyes widen and her breath quickens so he dares to reach out and touch her face, “your first make out in the back of a movie theater, the first time you get asked to slow dance, your first time waking up with someone, your first hickey,” he lets his finger trace down her neck and grins as he feels her swallow hard beneath his fingertips. “Your first missed curfew because you were kissing for so long you didn’t care about time, the first time you hear ‘I love you.’”

“I’m going to kiss you” she says suddenly, “and when I kiss you, it is going to render the contract null and void because we are violating the terms of the contra…”

“Covey?” he interrupts, “Yeah?” she is closing the space between them, “shut up and kiss me.”

***

“You’re a really good kisser” he says as he nuzzles the top of her head resting on his chest.

“That’s the first time anyone’s ever said that to me” she sighs and he gives her a squeeze.

“See? I’m already so good at this!”

She playfully pokes him in the stomach, “are you going to keep a list of my firsts?” she asks.

“Do you _have_ a list of firsts?” He tilts his head down to look at her and she’s covering her face, “You _do_ don’t you?? Oh man, I need to see this. I’m gonna check off everything on it, you can bet on it.”

She’s giggling, “it’s dumb, I started it in 7th grade. It’s just basically stuff I saw in movies. So embarrassing.”

She sits up and he already misses the feel of him against her so he props himself up to see her. “7th grade was our infamous party,” She nods, “So, I’m your first Spin the Bottle _and_ your first kiss” he ticks them off his fingers and she smiles at him.

“Yes, Peter.”

He comes up and brings his face close to hers, whispering against her skin, “this was destiny Lara Jean, you and me.” And then he’s kissing her again and she’s melting into him and god damn, he’s never going to get over how good she feels.

Suddenly she pulls back and her eyes sparkle, “wait right here.” He protests as she moves out of his reach and leaves the room. Around him are the notes he read her and a few he didn’t get to:

_There’s a party at Cooper’s on Saturday but I think we should make it a Netflix and Chill night with Kitty. I’ll bring M &Ms if you make cookie dough to put them in_

_You probably just wore your hair down today because you felt like it, but secretly every time you do I hope it’s because you know how much I love it down_

_People at school tell me all the time what a cute couple we are. You know what I say? “I know”_

She comes back in the room and he starts laughing as soon as he sees her, “what are you doing Covey?”

She’s holding a pan and she comes to where he is still sitting on her bed and thrusts it at him. “Here, the whole thing is yours.”

He sees it’s the brownie/cookie concoction she was making earlier and starts laughing, “all of it?”

“All of it. That was the best apology I’ve ever heard. That was…the best anything I’ve ever heard. There aren’t enough brownies filled with cookie dough in the world for you Peter Kavinsky.”

She’s beaming at him and he grabs one of the notes he read while she was out of the room and hands it to her. “You read this one” he says and she takes it and reads once to herself and he loves the look that blooms on her face as she read it out loud.

_I’m falling in love with you Lara Jean Covey. There’s nothing fake about it_

She takes a deep breath and he puts the pan on the floor and gets up and wraps her up in his arms. “Go get you list of Firsts” he whispers as he comes in for another kiss, “I’ve got to get to work.”

_***_

_She pulls me in enough to keep me guessing_  
_And maybe I should stop and start confessing_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title: There’s Nothin’ Holding Me Back / Shawn Mendes (2016)


End file.
